My Return…

You may have noticed a huge lack of blogging from me these last few months, even hiding this blog from you for a while.

That is because I have been busy doing a huge amount of thinking about what 2014 holds for me both personally and blogging wise. The last 18 months of this blog has been a huge part in my recovery but what I started to notice was that people were coming to me more and more for help with issues, then once I had offered an ear/advice etc I would not hear from them again and it was starting to drain me mentally and emotionally, so I took some time out.

Now I am ready to return to doing something that I enjoy albeit with a slight twist..

I want to step back slightly from the whole depressed moose thing, although keeping the moose alive and well in the process. Moose is a nickname I have had for over 5 years so it’s a part of me that I enjoy but I want to show there is more to me than depression.

I want you to see more of Garry and the person I used to be, the fun loving guy who enjoys a good drink, some karaoke and the company of people.

some call it bad singing - I call it entertaining.

some call it bad singing – I call it entertaining.

I have made some resolutions since the turn of the year and have stuck to them, all about increasing my positive thinking and focusing on the things I do have, the people in my life and not looking at who is not around anymore, who has let me down etc and thus far it is really working!

I feel positive and excited about what this year may bring and have plenty of plans to put into action. To the point that if plan A, B or C do not come through I have X,Y and Z to move forward with.

So while the domain name stays the same I hope that as well as posts on depression there will be a lot more to interest you, more humour, more positive posts and more experiences to be shared with you all.

Garry is all about the here and now and not dwelling on the past and it is really working well for me…

 

 

Broken Tooth, No Broken Spirit

Nine days till Christmas and I have no intention of putting up a tree this year, as Brandon will be spending the holidays at his mum’s I will be alone for most of the Christmas period, so I really don’t want to look at a tree which is meant to celebrate a time for family.

It was my choice for him to spend most of the time away as I know I will be a miserable bastard and did not want it to impact on him, as my childhood memories of Christmas heavily influence my hatred for this time of year. Better he is with his mum who does a great job with Christmas than to be here with me impersonating the grinch.

Things are good apart from the fact that I broke a tooth at the weekend eating maltesers and as someone who has not seen a dentist for about 7 years I can tell you what great news this was! However being a good boy I was on the phone to them at 8 am this morning and have an appointment for tomorrow where I can look forward to an extraction, I assume, and a lecture (wohooo, I really love those)

On top of this I really have to let some steam off and moan about people. I am really sick of people using me for when it suits them, as an example I have spoken to three suicidal people in the past month and offered them support and an ear, yet do I hear from them again? Seems the majority people are only interested in me when it suits them not when I need someone.

I am getting to the stage where I am not sure that continuing with this blog, and being readily available for people, is such a good option for me. As much as I have enjoyed helping people it pisses me off that these people then avoid me, especially at times when I have asked for help myself. I am happy to give but there are times when it is needed to reciprocated and all too often that is not forthcoming and I am (finally) learning that the only person I can really rely on is myself.

I have “friends” abusing me because I wont give them what they want and do things the way they want them and the selfishness nature of people is grinding me down, more and more I am letting people walk away from me because I just cannot be arsed with arguing and defending myself.

People tend to forget that I have issues that need working on, but the moment I have a bad time I am the bad guy.

All I ask from people is effort, and nothing less than I would put in, but for plenty of people it appears to be an unacceptable request. Give and take is all well and good when it is shared equally, all too often this is not happening.

I am in a pretty good place currently though, despite the broken tooth and I can see things so much better now in terms of how people act around me. I feel stronger than I have felt in a long time, and I am preparing myself to get through the next few weeks when I will feel particularly vulnerable and lonely. I feel able to drop people without it causing me pangs of guilt, even more so when I am not in the wrong! The days of me chasing after people because I want attention all gone, the days of me reaching out to people because I am needy and alone are gone. If people don’t want to talk to me for whatever reason that is fine with me.

I have survived because I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am a better person than I give myself credit for and its time I gave the people who go out of their way for me more attention because it is those people who deserve it.

When I say I don’t give a fuck anymore I honestly mean it. I will not allow people to affect my mood anymore.

And for those who don’t like it – please do not let the door hit you on the way out..

And for the people I know will stand by me just remember…

keep_calm_and_love_moose_print_or_poster-rcaa925f4af0e4ba5b4ef03a9e7a73d07_wvc_8byvr_512

 

 

Ending The Chapter…

This will be the last word on this subject until I have something to report in terms of an outcome. It has been  suggested that keeping something inside is preventing me from starting the new chapter in my life and I wholeheartedly agree.

There are things I have wanted to say but held back, things I needed to confess to help explain but more importantly I need to use my writing as a way of closing the chapter to enable me to find the strength to move on.

Let me make this clear before we begin, I love Sheryl still and would love to have her come back. This has to be something she wants though because I am done with fighting a battle that is not winnable currently.

However the five months since Sheryl left have been hell for me, as the time has gone by and I found myself getting better I made me want her here so that we could go out and enjoy each others company, have a drink and a laugh being Garry and Sheryl and not Mum and Dad. Then when the darkness came back it made me realise that I needed Sheryl to help me climb out of it.

There is difference between wanting and needing someone, and at my worse I NEEDED her to look after me, mother me in many ways. This is not good for a relationship but it was the illness not Garry. I have loved Sheryl since the first time I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the one for me. I wanted her, wanted to be with her and wanted to make her happy but the neediness depression cursed me with destroyed that.

I was guilty of treating her terribly, neglecting her needs and making her feel inadequate. I have to live with that fact. I could not provide for her emotionally, expecting to take not give. I spent too much time doing things on my own and not as a team, not involving her.

I was ill, although this may not be an excuse in some peoples eyes, believe me the depression has changed me in so many ways.

I stopped being the man she married.

I have held on to ALL the blame for it going wrong.

I completely understand why she left, although I do not know the reasons fully.

However

There are two sides to every story and it takes two to work on or break a marriage.

When you are rejected nightly for years and not allowed in the marital bed it will give any man self esteem issues, it ate away at me and is a big reason behind me being the way I am now, in terms of confidence.

When you are constantly checked up on, to see if you are doing things you shouldn’t be, it causes resentment.

When you have to question if you are loved, something is not right.

I can walk away knowing I tried, boy did I try, to reconcile. I never wanted to lose Sheryl but in her own words “don’t bother fighting – It’s over. This was said 3 days after she walked out.

Now as my friends will know, I do not believe you can stop loving someone overnight, sure you can fall in and out of love with someone – that is why it is important to keep working at relationships – but to suddenly feel nothing? sorry call me a fool but I don’t believe it. Be that as it may I have to accept it and can’t keep sitting around waiting for reality to catch up with her. I have to let it go for my sake.

The last time we were physically together was in August and she couldn’t say it was over to my face. The proof has to be in her actions as she wont look me in the eye and say words.

When I took my overdose I text her to tell her what I had done, no I dont know why but when you reach that point you do not think clearly, she did not once try to contact me to find out if I was out of hospital let alone still alive.

That is not the action of someone who loves you.

I have held myself back for too long now hoping for a miracle and now the time has come for me to stop kidding myself.

This is the end of that chapter we shall refer to as “The Breakup” let me now start working on the next phase because I have some plans and changes in mind that will, eventually, see me improved in many areas.

Breakeven (Falling to pieces) – The Script

One song more than any other perfectly sums up how I feel lately..

 

“Breakeven”

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even… even… no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even… no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I’m tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh
‘Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name.

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break…
No, it don’t break
No, it don’t break even, no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
(Oh glad you’re okay now)
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
(Oh I’m falling, falling)
I’m falling to pieces,
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even)

Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no

What You Did..

You gave up on me

You walked away

You broke our wedding vows

The day you decided not to stay.

 

You tore my heart out of my chest

it took me by surprise,

you never even looked to see

the tears streaming from my eyes.

 

You turned your back on me,

when I needed you so bad,

I tried so hard to make you happy,

I never meant to make you sad.

 

You took my soul in the black bags,

when you left me that fateful day,

You made me a shell of a man,

The broken mess I am today.

 

You ignore me, You avoid me,

and act like I dont exist,

You treat our love like it never was

You forgot about the bliss.

 

You hate me, You just don’t care,

about the pain I am going through,

You moved on so damn quickly,

You have no idea how much I still love you.

 

You deserve so much more,

than to be with a man so weak,

You forgot your love was what kept me going,

surviving each day or week.

 

You will never find another man,

to love you like I do,

You don’t think of me yet,

I cant stop loving you.

 

You left me broken, scared and alone,

I only ever wanted you,

You have taken my confidence and my heart,

I will never find another you.

 

You were made for me,

I loved you with all my heart.

but you didn’t want to fight for us

You ripped it all apart.

 

You deserve so much more,

than this pathetic fool,

Find someone else if that is what you need,

But I will never get over YOU.

 

 

Thankful for…..Friends

I have some wonderful friends, most of them I did not know before I started this blog.

Before the blog became my focus I was part of a wonderful community built around Mafia Wars on Facebook and have stayed in contact with plenty of people from the group that I created. I consider some of these people family now, not just friends. Although some of us don’t stay in regular contact they are people I know are there for me when I need them, people like Gary, Cindy, Juliana and the never forgotten Teresa have played a big part in my life over the past few years.

As for the “newbies” Gail, Mary, Antonella, Liz and Maria in particular are people I know I can tell anything to, without them judging me and they know me better than anyone else, by me I mean the real Garry.

Gail AKA Weegee was the first person to like, comment and follow my blog and can see through me in an almost scary way. A real diamond in the rough who gives advice, telling offs and encouragement in times of need.

Antonella is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, she is warm, funny, caring and more than a little crazy. She is also very very attractive but alas allergic to moose meat – a great friend though, we have the same awesome personalities because we were both born on the 29th November.

Mary is like an older sister, quick to tell me off and point out the error of my ways but done with good intentions and done with care.

Liz was one of the first people I ever spoke to about depression when I came across the elephant in the room community and I have spent many hours in her wonderful company over the last 18 months. As crazy cat ladies go she is one of the best.

And there are friends that I have known all my life. Amy and Linda were a big part of my childhood, and happy times were spent around them when I was still waiting for my antlers to grow.

Paul and Karl are people I went to school with and hadn’t spoken to since 1995 but we have reconnected via Facebook in the last year and I am glad we have, both are great guys and I am pleased to call them friends.

Sarah is Brandon’s mum and a great friend, I can talk to her about anything and she will always offer advice and tell me what I did wrong 😀

And this is just the tip of a big iceberg. I have a lot more friends than I realise. More than at any point of my adult life and although most of them are technically “online friends” that doesn’t mean that I value their friendship any less. Without the online friends my life would be a lonely place but they rally around me when I need a friendly ear or a kick up the arse!

now I am gonna go old old skool on you in tribute to my friends

 

 

Flutterby Damn Butterflies

I saw a photo today and straight away the butterflies returned…

This is why I HAD to remove all photos from the flat because the daily reminders were too painful, I would love to be able to have a look through the albums etc but just one single image and the cracks reappear.

If only she knew how I feel..

This is not going to be easy, especially as we approach my birthday at the end of the month and then Christmas.

I know I am weak, foolish and delusional.

I also know I still love her with every part of me.

Time is meant to be a great healer, hurry up time and let me heal.

Image Credit: Google

 

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google

 

Starting Again..

Firstly ignore the post from last night, you may have noticed I can be slightly temperamental at times. I have avoided posting about things lately but this has come at the detriment of my mental health so here we go..

Nicole and Sandra have provided me with some pretty harsh, but very warranted words today. I appreciate people who tell me like it is rather than saying what they think I want to hear.

So yes currently I am pretty fucked up, I am a mess, my emotions and mental health is all over the place and I don’t know whether I am coming, going or even where I stand.

That is not a valid excuse for giving up and accepting things as they are. Its true I wallow a lot at the moment, but remember I have lost not only my wife and best friend but my daughter. It has been a huge shock to the system, especially the way I have been treated since. Thanks to Cindy I have been able to make a lot more sense of things, although it took a day or so to sink in.

I thought I was the whole problem, but I am a part of it only. She needs to do what she has to do to walk away from me and I need to stop taking it personally, she has changed beyond all recognition to me. This only makes it easier because she is not my wife anymore but a stranger.

I sat down today and wrote down all the mistakes I made over the past few years and believe me there were plenty of them, that I wont talk about here. I wasn’t alone in them though, the difference is that I was prepared to work on them and rectify them. I have learnt that you cannot win a fight that has the odds stacked against you, almost fixed in the fact that I can’t win this battle let alone the war.

My self confidence has taken an absolute hammering over the years because I slept on the sofa, imagine spending four years sleeping in a different room to your partner! At first it was because of insomnia but then it was because of the baby. Now maybe you can understand why my self esteem has suffered, why my confidence is low because I had to suffer nightly rejection! It was not even about the sex, it was about the intimacy of falling asleep with my wife wrapped around me and waking up the same way the next morning!

Four years without this! Without waking up next to my wife…

But naturally its all my fault as the man and she is the victim in all this….

My depression was made worse by the lack of self esteem this caused me, yes I am needy and yes I was hard work at times but this was a big issue for me!

Growing up I was always called cocky or arrogant but this was my mask, as I got into my late teens and mid 20s in between relationships I was always fucking about.

As Nate Dogg once said “I got more ass than a toilet seat!” but I don’t want to be that guy anymore. Going out and having meaningless sex does not appeal to me whatsoever! So when people tell me all I need to get over this shit is to go out and fuck someone it insults me!

What I want is someone who will make some effort with me, treat me with respect, accept my issues and help me not hinder me, make me feel attractive and wanted again.  Above all else is for someone to treat me the way I deserve to be treated because for all my faults I am a nice guy, a good guy and I wont become the wanker I was 10 years ago.

Amazing how your attitude towards things change over time, and believe me I could share some great stories on here about my past experiences shagging a different person weekly.

It’s not me anymore. Whilst I may be a flirt I am not about taking it further just for the sake of it.

I have to try and forge a new direction, I want to try and experience new things. I want to be able to say that today I did something for the first time and above all else I want to stop this negative thinking about myself that other people have turned into a habit.

So lets start again working my way back up and not forgetting who I am, what I am and that I AM WORTHY!

Hi I’m Garry aka Moosey/Mooseman and I have depression.

Tomorrow we begin Operation Fuck The Haters and those who are not with me are not coming for the ride!

Wanting to be loved is my only crime and if that really is a crime what a sad world we live in!

Shattered But Not Broken

images (5)

Is what I am trying to convince myself….

But the truth is that if you walked around my flat you will see tiny fragments of my heart still in the carpet waiting to be pieced back together.

I am trying slowly and surely to find them all and rebuild it but some days the glue does not always hold.

Little by little all fragments and memories are being confined to the past but questions remain that haunt me, questions that I know will probably never be answered.

Some of the hardest things are the choices that were made without my thoughts, feelings and opinion.

I try so hard not to give too much out about what has happened but sometimes I feel like it would be better if I simply got it all out there and off my chest, but it would not change a thing or bring me any respite.

I simply have to accept that I am no longer considered important enough to exist, that what happened was not sufficient enough to warrant fighting for, and that I am just not worthy or the time of day. Choices that I did not make!

So hard as is it right now I have to start focusing on rebuilding Garry from the bottom up.

I did not choose to get depression, I did choose to try and protect you. I did choose wrongly in my methods of recovery and support but with the right intentions.

I did choose to honour our vows, to love you wholeheartedly and although I did not show it at all times, never did I say the words “I love you” and not mean it when I said them.

“For better, or for worse, in good health or bad” meant everything to me, to you it meant a reason to go.

Call me bitter, call me twisted, call me anything you want to justify your treatment of me over the past 4 months.

I tried, I fought, I did everything I could. I couldn’t fix it. You didn’t want it to be fixed. I don’t exist to you anymore, we don’t talk, you wont.

I have to stay focused on the repairs needed and have at last upgraded my heart from broken to shattered. It doesn’t hurt any less, It just means that I have moved on in my dealing with the issue.

Now if anyone can provide me with a way to stop the following questions from haunting me, and keeping me awake at night I really would be grateful!

how can she forget me so quickly?

how can she treat me like i don’t exist?

why am I so forgettable?

why did I suggest the break (for her benefit)?

what exactly did I do wrong?

why wont she talk to me?

Probably not the healthiest things to be asking, but I need to find answers so that I can use super glue to fix things and not a pritt stick!

He is…..I wish

He is a great guy

He is always there to listen to me

He is always available when I have a problem

He is special

He is funny

He is kind hearted, warm and sincere

He is a good friend

He is helpful, considerate and offers advice

 

and as the curtain closes and the funeral service comes to an end…..

 

I wish I had done more for him

I wish I had reached out to him

I wish I could have been there for him when he needed me

I wish I hadn’t ignored him

I wish I had spoken to him more often

I wish I hadn’t dismissed him as “needy” 

I wish I had listened to him

I wish I made time to see him

I wish he was still here

 

Don’t be that person who only realises when it’s too late!

no one in this day and age of technology can really say that they don’t have 2 minutes to send a quick text message, a quick email or private message via social media. Dare I even mention picking up the phone and calling someone…

That one single gesture can make so much difference to someone, especially someone who is always the first to reach out to others.

Be a friend to someone when they need you, not just when you need them.

Loneliness can set someone back months very very quickly, don’t assume that someone is fine because they say that is the case, I’m not just talking about people with mental health illnesses, consider the elderly relative as well.

You will be surprised at what happens when you make a little bit of effort with someone, especially if one day you find yourself in their shoes..