I Forgot…Now I Remember

So in between the worst week in memory I suddenly was hit by a thunderbolt.

Oprah Winfrey was on the Jonathan Ross show last night here in the UK and said something that hit me right between the eyes.

She told about how she was sexually abused at 14 and ended up pregnant, she lost that baby and her father told her

“You have been given a second chance, DON’T WASTE IT”

She said it was there and then that she knew that she wanted to help others using her experience.

This was the reason that I started blogging, to help other people by sharing my daily battles.

It took a kind message from someone on Facebook (you can add me here to remind me that people DO care about what I have to say and that it DOES help others.

For those regular and long-term readers you may have noticed every now and again that I have a degree in wallowing and self loathing.  It stems from years of rejection by various people and sometimes the walls we have had built for 20+ years need to be pulled down and rebuilt. Rebuilt with better materials, modernised to allow people in…

The problem I have is that I take every little rejection personal. Someone who I thought was a good friend has just dropped me like a stone which hit me hard, where I go wrong is that I forget that it is the other party that has issues and not me (all the time!)

I like to go that extra mile for people and forget to look after myself properly, although being concerned for other people is a good thing in my eyes. I need to remember to be kinder to myself, and when people do send praise my way to accept it. Dismissing praise is a bad habit and one I need to work on – so keep the praise coming, all in the name of research of course.

The point though is that this blog has had nearly 80,00 views with an average of 100 views a day. This means people look up to me, sometimes this idea blows me away that I have so much interest in little old moosey. I do have a sense of purpose, I WANT to be viewed as someone who people can look at as an example of how depression can ruin your life but still somehow we survive, even if at times the dark can be overwhelming.

I focus on what I want not what I need. What I want is often not obtainable because it is out of my control, what I need is what I allow to come to me. The world has a way of bringing things/people into your life when you least expect it. I am now working on allowing nature to take its course, or God’s plan to show rather than forcing everything.

When people are struggling yet take the time out to message me with ideas, advice, the offer of an ear it shows that I do actually have more than I admit at times. While I expect too much from people I know that this is an unrealistic approach to life, there are lots of people who message me via social media to offer warmth, sincerity or a swift boot up the backside!

I focus on those who DON’T contact me….. from this moment on that will change.

If I am so forgettable to them then surely that means they are forgettable to me right?

I need to fill my days again, the worst thing that happened to me and my recovery was having to quit the gym because it helped me so much, enhanced confidence at the weight loss but more importantly I was leaving the flat and doing things everyday.

The question again today is WHEN will I get better and no longer WHY wont I get better.

And who would’ve thought that Oprah Winfrey would be my inspiration…

One final thing, I want to extend a huge thank you to the person who donated to me today via the paypal option on the home page. It humbled me that you would be so generous and means the world to me!

What I See

It’s a rough period currently, I cannot seem to shake the self loathing feelings I am experiencing and at the moment there seems to be no light at the end of this tunnel…apologies for another awful poem but God loves a trier!

Losing my hair and going grey,

getting fatter by the day!

fatty, ugly and four eyes

the names i call myself bring tears to my eyes!

 

overweight, lazy a waste of a life

a terrible husband to my long suffering wife!

I should be alone not bringing down folks,

I should be the butt of peoples jokes.

 

You see me as witty, charming perhaps,

I see a fat mess who can’t run 2 laps!

The horrible smile, the nasty stained teeth,

A former man now lacking belief.

 

How do I return to the Moose of old?

Not giving a damn, strong and bold.

Even just for a day, to feel happy again,

24 hours release from this self inflicted pain!

 

Buried away he must still be there,

spending hours in the mirror, putting gel in his hair.

A twinkling of the eyes, a devilish grin

The first on the dance floor so the party could begin.

 

If you see the old Garry,

send him my way.

I know y’all would love him,

he’s better than the “new” me I can say

 

Remind him of the times when we had fun,

Sipping jack and coke relaxing in the sun

Surrounded by friends, laughing and joking.

Not this mess of a man currently choking!

 

If only I could see,

what you other people see.

Then I would strive to be,

A better version of me!

 

 

Down, Down, Deeper and Down

It has been a really tough few days, not sure what kicked this cycle off but since Thursday morning I have been in a bad way.

Started off looking forward to attending another Mind workshop and headed off feeling okay. Half through between home and the underground station my stomach was in knots and anxiety kicked in, to the point where I almost went home again. It didn’t help that the central line was suspended when I got there but I jumped on a bus to a different station and made my way there.

I am always quite vocal at these workshops and every time I contribute I feel like I come across as too overbearing and eager to be heard, I’m sure the people at the workshops would disagree but while I am chatting away or contributing I can hear my brain telling  me to shut the hell up and let others have a say.

I can’t fight this feeling of self loathing no matter how hard I try. I only have to look at a mirror to feel unhappy.

I hate the way I look, I hate wearing glasses, hate going grey, hate being fat and pretty much despise everything about my appearance.

I am desperate for some new glasses, the ones I currently have are a few years old now but the problem I have is that my vision is so bad I have to get my lenses thinned. If I keep the lenses as they come they look like coke bottles as they are so thick and I would never wear them out but it costs a small fortune to get the lenses thinned which rules out any new glasses in the near future.

I used to wear contact lenses but they cost money too and Lilybet wont come near me without my glasses on, yet I feel like a much more attractive person without glasses. When I was younger and out on the town with the boys I would never go out wearing glasses. I used to get zero attention from women wearing glasses, in fact one time I was approached by a woman in a club when I was wearing my contacts, unfortunately for her the previous week I approached her whilst wearing glasses and she practically laughed in my face! great for the confidence!

It’s not about making myself feel more attractive to the opposite sex though, after all I have a beautiful wife but all the knock backs over the years are playing havoc with me now. Don’t get me wrong I have had plenty of success too but only a couple of people ever really saw me in glasses!

So how can I get over this issue with my appearance? any suggestion because it is bringing me down. I can’t seem to lose any weight, exercise doesn’t do much besides cripple me because of my knee problems and I am so ashamed of my weight! The other side of losing weight is that I couldn’t afford any new clothes if I lost weight anyway!

Yet it would be lovely to feel like a success and not a failure even if it was for a day!

As I was explaining to someone the other day I don’t look at the fact that I published 2 books as a success, I look at the sales figures and think no one is buying them because I’m a failure and I can’t get out of this mindset.

I have done nothing around the flat the past few days, I have no clean plates because I am too useless to get my fat backside into gear and wash up! Poor Sheryl is rushed off her feet and I do nothing to help her which only increases my self loathing.

Somethings gotta give in the coming days/weeks because I am struggling to deal with this especially during the bad cycles, which are becoming more frequent!

Serves me right for starting to think I was beating this depression!

And don’t get me started on my constant need for validation and reassurance! Believe me it annoys me more than it does you guys on twitter or facebook who have to read my whiny tweets/status seems the deeper I think about my triggers/causes for depression the more issues I reveal!

Caught It!

Having had a good week I was expecting the mood swing to come sooner rather than later. From Monday morning until Saturday afternoon all was good.

I was carefully watching the signs for the changes trying to learn more about what causes my downswing and yesterday I caught the mood change.

It happened over a couple of hours and I could feel it happening, from feeling “normal” to suddenly feeling anxious and low. The IBS kicked off as soon as the anxiety returned so there I was back to square one again.

Only time I knew what had caused it!

At weekends Sheryl goes down to her parents, every other weekend she works a few hours and Lilybet gets to see her brothers (my 2 step sons) and grandparents, meanwhile Brandon goes to stay with his mother leaving me home alone.

Usually at weekends I get to watch as much live football on TV as I want, so enjoy being left on my own without having to watch kids cartoons or even having to interact with anyone besides my online friends. In fact I hate it when people are around at weekends interfering with “my time”.

So it turns out I love being on my own but hate my own company!

How the hell do you solve a riddle like this?

Within hours of Sheryl leaving I was all over the place yesterday, completely low and full of insecurities.

Always questions like why I have no friends in the real world? and lately a real desire to go out for a JD and coke or 17! It has been years since I went out for a good drink, but having no friends makes it impossible as I wont go on my own and will not drink indoors.

So when did it happen that I hate myself or more appropriately being on my own?

I mean besides having a degree in sarcasm and being a piss taker I am a nice guy aren’t I?

The “needy” side of depression kills me at times, why is it I always need reassurance?

I never used to be this way.

Have always been well adept at showing confidence and generally not caring about how others saw me.

One day I will work out this needy issue I am sure it all stems from something locked away from my childhood days.

But for the love of God will someone show me some love 😀

The good news is I have got an appointment from the Mental Health team for another initial screening but this time not with a CPN but the next person along the chain so will be able to discuss this self esteem problem I seem to have.

Me, issues with self esteem! Does not make any sense to me!

The fat four eyed depressed man has self esteem issues!

That last part was kind of a joke albeit a bad one