Anxiety Be Gone!

Yesterday I attended a workshop run by Mind in relation to their elephant in the room community on Facebook. I have mentioned this little sanctuary before and if your on Facebook and not a part of this you really should be it is a place where people post about mental health and are not judged, it is a real welcoming community and one of my favourite places on Facebook!

Add the Elephant as a friend here you wont regret it!

So off I went traveling on the underground to Oxford Circus, arranged to meet someone at Nike Town in case she needed help and merrily we went on our way to the workshop! I even made sure I wasn’t it my comfy tracksuit bottoms for a change and dug out my new jeans!

And the interesting thing about this?

I felt no anxiety AT ALL!!!

For the first time in months, maybe longer, I was quite happy to be so far away from home, from a toilet, and meeting new people.

So why is no anxiety a good thing? Because no anxiety equals no IBS, which equals me not shitting myself in the street! Hopefully this will continue as the workshop is running for the next 2 Thursday’s as well as me having to attend a work placement session on Monday.

This week has been really good in terms of lack of anxiety and negative feelings yet today I am aware of a slight change in mood since I have woken up. Could be that it took a lot more out of me yesterday than I expected or anticipated but it won’t get to me. Being aware of the change makes it easier for me to attempt to fight back.

One thing that really made me smile was when a lady walked into the room yesterday, looked at me and said “you’re the depressed moose!” exciting huh my first moment of recognition woot woot

 

 

Atos/DWP Update

So two weeks after my medical to determine how ill I really am I have finally received a letter from the DWP regarding the medical.

Read here for more about my dealing with Atos, despite all the negative publicity about them I can only speak based on my experience with them and my advice to anyone due to have a medical would be to ignore everything you read because it will only make you ill from stress! Go into the medical with an open mind and be 100% honest about how you feel and how your illness affects your daily life.  Don’t assume anything will count for or against you just reveal everything!

It is also vital that your GP is kept fully up to date of any conditions you have that you may not have mentioned to them. For example it was 4 months after my depression diagnosis that I finally revealed the extent of my IBS condition and this was vital to my medical.

The good news is that I passed my medical which means that I am officially recognised as being too ill to be forced to work. The relief of this is immense because the stress of appealing, living on 0 benefits etc was making me sick with anxiety.

The lady who did my medical was true to her word and for that I am grateful because until you get it in writing and confirmed your mind plays tricks on you! She actually told me on the day “You have passed your medical based on your conditions and I will recommend they give you the time to deal with your mental health problems”

It also provides me with vindication that I am ill and a long way from recovery and this does inspire me to one day rejoin the rat race once I am better.

Strange as it seems to have passed a medical to make you unfit for work it really does make a difference to know that others can see that you are not faking anything, that its not in your head.

For now it gives me some breathing space to work through my issues without the stress of being forced to look for work, and worrying about keeping a roof over my head.

They even told me I am entitled to a Christmas bonus payment of £10 woot woot.

So for all the negative posts out there about Atos I hope the fact that my experience was a positive one will at least cause some hope to others. Remember sometimes it is easier to write about the bad things and forget to praise the good and I found the whole Atos experience pleasantly surprising! That is not to say any future dealings will be the same but for now I have nothing bad to say about them.

WTF!!!!

Something has happened tonight but I don’t have an idea what it is.

I feel like one of two things is going to happen.

1. I am going to break down and cry

2. I am going to explode

I feel beaten tonight, earlier I was feeling great.

I don’t think I can cope anymore if the moods are going to change so rapidly.

Today I have been anxious, stressed, happy, emotional and angry its all too much for me.

It is making no sense as to why the sudden changes it is the first time I have been through so many different moods in one day.

I got to admit i don’t like it – I had things planned for tonight wanted to write some more of my book, finish editing the poetry book and I am in the mood for doing nothing but wallow in self pity!

I feel like I have nothing left to offer. All the messages of support this week, the encouragement I have received has been pushed out and replaced with the negativity again.

And it makes me so effing frustrated and mad with myself!

I thought I was getting a handle on depression, was feeling like I was controlling it for once rather than it controlling me. It has turned round and bit my right between the legs and is shaking me around like a rag doll.

Tonight is the night I need help but is also the night that I wont accept it.

Tonight is the night I need Jesus to send me some angels and help me through.

Those of you who prayer please say one for me tonight, it is not often I ask for this but there is something seriously wrong tonight.

Here is hoping for a brighter tomorrow!

 

Overwhelmed, Anxious and Excited

I am so excited about this idea to do a book of poems but also wary of the implications it could have on my depression. The feedback I have receiving is awesome and makes me determined to push forward with this especially if I can start getting submissions thick and fast which I know will take some time.

I need to try and work out how to format in word to fit into the kindle and e-reader styles and being useless at the technical side of these things I have to be careful that I don’t end up stressing myself out like I did last night and end up in a right state where I get completely overwhelmed with the whole thing.

The possibilities are endless with poems, short stories, pictures all built into a series of books which can help end the stigma of mental health illnesses and I need to keep myself grounded in the sense of not going to far or doing too much too soon, but it is hard while the idea is so fresh.

The  problem with depression is one day you feel ready to tackle anything and on others it is a struggle to get out of bed so while the energy is flowing I want to make a start but I just don’t know how to do it! Added of course the knowledge that people may feel let down if it doesn’t end being as good as we hope so i will take this project on nice and slowly and at a pace that will keep this fun rather than stressful.

My friend weegee is going to have the job of keeping me sane but shhhhhh don’t tell her she doesn’t know it yet but if anyone has advice for getting started please share it before I end up going mad!

I also know that Teresa will be there to guide me and step in if she feels like I am doing too much and in danger of sinking.

Wohoo feel better already for getting this down in print!

 

Garry

 

 

Walls Closing In….

This is no way indicative to how I am feeling currently but it came to me and I had to get it down in print!

Apologies again for the true poets out there but its as good as I get!

 

The room is getting smaller,

The light merges into dark,

The air starts to become thin,

The walls are closing in.

 

Shortness of breath,

the pounding of my heart,

the sweat running down my head,

fighting this feeling of dread.

 

Struggling to speak,

my knees growing weak,

“Hi I’m Garry I have depression”,

“Recovery is my obsession!”

 

Standing under the familiar cloud,

The voice inside me screams aloud,

“you need more strength to set you free”,

“from all this pain and misery”

 

The silence is the loudest sound.

deafening me from all around,

The awkward feelings of fear and doubt,

are the only ones I think about.

 

The sound of laughter, fun and joy,

the noise I would make as a young boy.

It seems such a distant memory,

a reminder of who I used to be.

 

Slowly feeling suffocated,

alone, helpless and isolated,

and yet I know I’m not by myself,

in this journey of my mental health.

 

That one friend who writes me,

to ask how I am,

they don’t realise how important it is,

to know that someone gives a damn!

 

Taking each day nice and slow,

allowing time for my strength to grow,

making time to read and write,

keeps me busy throughout the night.

 

The hands around my throat squeeze tight,

trying to take my air with all their might,

I struggle to breathe and try to fight back,

Under pressure from this sustained attack.

 

And so the walls keep closing in,

it’s more than I can take,

and just at that vital moment,

My eyes open and I’m AWAKE!

 

 

 

The Root of My Depression…

Photo Credit: Google Images

Everything that brings me deeper into depression leads back to one thing.

MONEY – or more importantly a lack off!

It is the main thing that keeps me awake all night.

Living hand to mouth it not a good thing believe me, I am lucky if there is enough food in the flat to feed me once the kids have eaten. There is nothing worse than looking in an empty fridge, freezer, cupboard or wallet!

I always used to be able to find ways to earn money, selling on Ebay, selling mafia wars accounts now the thinking well is bone dry. The water that used to run to the well has been cut off for unpaid bills!

Yes I have a roof over my head but it is a shell of a flat, with more broken items that we can’t afford to replace than things that are  “new”. Broken beds, broken sofa, broken fridge and broken dreams!

Gas and electric run on prepaid meters and running off emergency credit at the moment. Sure it is simple to say “why don’t you cut off your internet?” Then where am I, I am even more invisible without my online friends and this blog. My link to people on the outside is only from the internet, real life people don’t give me or my family a second thought.

Thank God for my in-laws who go above and beyond the mother in law and father in law roles. Without them I wouldn’t see anyone else.

“Cut off the phones then” And then who else is going to look out for my elderly relatives? Who else is going to be their point of contact when they need someone or just a talk? No one that’s who!

“Stop smoking” Believe me I am on the case! What I don’t need is people saying “well if you can afford cigarettes…..”

And of course what I really need is being told “there are a lot of people worse off than you”

My Current funds in my “money pot”

Here it is then, all the money I have available as of right now! Some gold coins in there so I can at least get some dinner tonight.

So here’s to money, to the bankers who earn outrageous bonuses for crippling the world financially, to the sports stars who earn more a week than most of earn in 5 years and to me scraping the barrel trying to keep my head afloat!

Rant over (well the online rant is over at least poor Sheryl has to deal with one happy moose today!)

This post was sponsored by THE MOOSE BANK where we would love to lend you money but we have none ourselves!

 

Searching for that Elusive Sleep

 

 

 

Something is worrying me but I don’t know what.

I am anxious and drained emotionally. I have never suffered with anxiety before it is a new sensation and not one I am particularly comfortable with. An example of this is when I went to the chemist to get my prescription and had taken the wrong form in. When the man told me I could feel myself panicking, getting short of breath and couldn’t wait to get back to the safety of home.

I am surviving on around 6 hours sleep a day at the moment which may sound a lot but it is broken up into 4 hours at night and, at best, a couple of hours around 3pm if I am lucky. Of course this is a vicious cycle because sleeping during the day is going to make me find it more difficult to sleep at night but when I am exhausted my body tends to just shut down anyway so even if I try to stay awake I could just go at anytime.

I would give anything for a nice long 12 hours (or more!) of uninterrupted sleep. Nothing to disturb me, to disconnect my brain and just fall deeply into a peaceful void of nothingness!

No silly dreams, no over thinking, no stress about money and especially no stress about not being able to sleep!

As your aware by now I like to sprinkle my posts with information that I find over the internet to educate myself and hopefully you as well, after all my sense of humour will only get me so far!

I found this information from Netdoctor

What sort of sleep problems can affect people with depression?

People with depression can have many types of sleep problems. Generally, these involve getting less sleep than usual and include:

  1. difficulty getting off to sleep – often because of lying in bed with thoughts going round in your head
  2. frequently waking up during the night
  3. waking early in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep.

Even if people with depression do get a reasonable number of hours’ sleep, they often wake in the morning feeling ‘un-refreshed’ and feel tired through the day.

Occasionally, people with depression sleep too much, finding it hard to get out of bed and spending much of the day there. Again, this does not tend to lead to these people feeling any less tired.

How common are sleep problems in depression?

Probably more than 80 per cent of people suffering from depression have problems with their sleep, usually not getting enough.

Is it a problem not getting enough sleep?

We are all aware that if we don’t get a good night’s sleep, we are less effective the next day. Important body processes occur during sleep that help to ‘recharge our batteries’. If we get less sleep than we need, we are more at risk of having accidents in the home, at work or when driving.

In people with depression, not being able to sleep (especially when this involves spending hours lying in bed awake) can cause other problems as well. During this time, people tend to dwell on their problems.

If you are depressed, everything seems black and dismal. Such bleak thoughts going round and round your head can cause your mood to get even lower. A lower mood makes the thoughts even bleaker and a vicious circle can occur.

Severe sleep problems in depressed people are associated with an increased risk of suicide. On the other side of the coin, an improvement in sleep often indicates an improvement in mood.

How much sleep is enough?

Everybody’s needs are different. The range of time people sleep normally is as wide as 3 to 10 hours.

As a general rule of thumb, five to six hours sleep is probably a minimum below which your performance at work, when driving, etc will be affected.

Most people need between seven and eight hours sleep a night to feel refreshed. Generally, people require less sleep the older they get.

Normal sleep

Sleep can be assessed by measuring the electrical activity that occurs in the brain. By doing this, sleep can be divided into a number of different stages: we tend to go through stages one to four when we fall asleep and the reverse when we wake up.

However, through the night we also make transitions between the different stages. Stages one and two are regarded as light sleep. Stages three and four are deep sleep.

During deep sleep various restorative processes go on throughout the body. If we do not get enough deep sleep we feel tired and ‘washed out’.

A fifth stage of sleep is called rapid eye movement sleep (REM) because although our eyes remain shut, they move around a lot during this stage. REM sleep is the time that we dream when we are asleep.

Dreaming has important psychological effects, helping us to put ‘things in order’.

The content of dreams often includes things that have recently happened to us or that we have recently been thinking about. Dreams may be a way of making sense of all of this.

The various stages of sleep can be plotted on a graph called a sleep hypnogram.

We normally undergo several cycles during the night moving through the various stages of sleep. We have most of our deep sleep in the first half of the night and REM sleep (when we dream) occurs later on. This explains why if you doze back to sleep in the morning, you will often wake and be aware of dreaming.

It’s not uncommon to wake during the night. Normally, these wakenings are so brief that we are unaware of them.

The pattern of sleep in depression

The sleep pattern of somebody with depression is very different:

  1. it takes much longer to get off to sleep
  2. the total sleep time is reduced
  3. there is little or no deep sleep
  4. REM sleep occurs earlier in the night
  5. there are more frequent wakenings during the night, which may last long enough for the person to be aware of them. The person wakes up earlier in the morning. The person wakes up earlier in the morning and can’t get back to sleep, even if feeling very tired.

What can I do about my sleep problem?

It can be extremely distressing not being able to sleep.

Fortunately, there are a number of things that you can do to try and improve your sleep.

These suggestions are not miracle cures, and they do require some effort. This is good advice for anybody who has a sleep problem.

  1. Get into a routine with your sleep times. Get up at the same time each morning, even if you have not had a good night’s sleep. Don’t sleep during the day, and don’t go to bed early to try and get more sleep – you are likely just to lie in bed thinking over problems. Go to bed in the evening when you are tired.
  2. Take some physical exercise during the day. This helps to make your body more tired in the evening and makes it easier to get to sleep. Exercise is good for you physically, and there’s also research that suggests that exercise can itself be antidepressant.
  3. Avoid exercise two hours before bedtime. This is because exercise ‘activates’ the body, which can make it difficult to get off to sleep.
  4. Avoid watching disturbing or violent films prior to bedtime.
  5. Avoid drinking caffeine (tea, coffee, cola) in the evening after 6pm. Caffeine is a stimulant and can prevent sleep. Drink no more than four cups of tea, or of coffee, or cans of cola in a day.
  6. Drink herbal teas or milky drinks such as Horlicks in the evening. Herbal teas don’t contain caffeine and milky drinks have been shown to be as good as sleeping tablets for many people. However, be aware that chocolate or cocoa milk drinks often contain caffeine.
  7. Avoid heavy meals two hours before bedtime. It can be extremely difficult to get off to sleep with a full stomach.
  8. Avoid alcohol in the evening. While alcohol is sedative, it is not a good idea to try to use it to sort out a sleep problem. This is because alcohol does not lead to normal restful sleep. In addition, alcohol causes you to pass increasing amounts of urine, which further disrupts sleep. Unfortunately, a significant number of people with depression develop an alcohol problem from using alcohol to help them sleep.
  9. You should associate your room with sleep: avoid having a TV or radio in your bedroom.
  10. Your bedroom should be warm and familiar with a comfortable bed and duvet, etc. Ideally, the room should be decorated in a relaxing way. This all helps in associating the room in your mind with restful sleep.
  11. Use aromatic oils in the bath or on your pillow, such as lavender, which can help relaxation.
  12. Use relaxation techniques, which you can learn from books, audiotapes or CDs. Reading in bed helps some people, but it can prevent others from getting off to sleep. If you do read in bed, only read light-hearted books or magazines.

If you are kept awake, or wake up worrying during the night, try the following.

  1. At least two hours before bedtime, write down the problems that keep you awake. Also write down the next step you need to take towards resolving each problem.
  2. If you find yourself thinking over the problems in bed, tell yourself you have the matter in hand and that going over it now will not help.
  3. If a new worry occurs during the night, write it down or commit it to memory and deal with it the next day.
  4. If you still do not manage to get to sleep, or you wake during the night and can’t get back to sleep – get up. Do not lie in bed tossing and turning. Go and do something else like listening to relaxing music, having a warm bath or making yourself a milky drink. Go back to bed when you feel tired again.

Many people become preoccupied by sleep itself. In this case:

  1. do not try to fall asleep
  2. tell yourself that sleep will come and that relaxing in bed is nearly as good
  3. try to keep your eyes open. As they naturally try to close, tell yourself to resist for just another few seconds. This should tempt sleep to take over
  4. if unhelpful thoughts pop into your mind, try and visualise a relaxing or pleasant scene.

 

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Is my current anxiety caused by lack of sleep? One thing I do know is the more anxious I get the worse my IBS becomes. I have been awake just shy of 3 hours and have already been to the toilet 5 times! It’s is something I really need to see my doctor about as this not helping my depression!

How do you deal with insomnia? I would like to dissect the information above into how it works, or doesn’t, in my case but that will be for another time when the mind is more focused. I would love your feedback on this!

Garry “the sleepy Moose”

“You’re Not Depressed, You’re Just Down”

Medically, mild to moderate depression is suspected if you’ve been suffering from low mood, lack of motivation, tearfulness and sadness for two weeks or more and there’s been no clear improvement.*

Taken from Netdoctor.co.uk

Ever been told that you are not depressed but simply feeling down?

Usually it comes from a loved one who doesn’t understand the effects your feeling from depression. How emotionally drained it makes you, how you feel unable to do even the most simple things.

Some times the biggest pressure comes from your spouse/partner or closest relative because they think your making it up, just being lazy or simply due to ignorance on their part for not being supportive enough to find ways to help you!

It seems to be a common theme with people with depression that those nearest to them are more of a hindrance than a help, that they have to battle with their loved ones and mental health, and that no amount of talking them seems to make them more understanding. Those who sleep a lot due to depression have this issue more significantly because people just assume they are being lazy!

I am incredibly lucky to have a wife who is so understanding and supportive of me and my illness. I know she hates how much I sleep during the day BUT she tolerates it because she knows it is down to my depression. I can talk to her about how I feel and why and know that she is genuinely interested and that all she cares about is my wellbeing and, eventually, my recovery.

Not just Sheryl though I am lucky to have some incredible friends on Facebook who I know I can talk to and get straight, sensitive and helpful answers and advice from. So here’s to you Teresa, Kay, Margie, Amy, Cindy, Kim, Heather, Jodi and Nikki. You may feel like I don’t appreciate your friendship but it means more to me than you could realise! Anyone notice a theme with the names though?  It’s interesting to me that all the people I just named are female.

Is that because they are more understanding or more sympathetic? Are men more programmed to not deal with these issues? I know it does not apply to all men but I see more women complaining about their husbands, boyfriends etc than I do the other way around.

How can your friends and loved ones help? Well I have taken the liberty of browsing the internet for you to answer that question and always the wonderful people at Mind have come up with this information

What can friends or relatives do to help?

The very nature of depression, which brings a sense of hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness, can prevent someone who’s depressed from seeking help. They often withdraw from friends and relatives around them, rather than asking for help or support. However, this is a time when they need your help and support most. Perhaps the most important thing that you can do is to encourage your friend or relative to seek appropriate treatment.

Try not to blame them for being depressed, or tell them to ‘pull themselves together’. They are probably already blaming themselves, and criticism is likely to make them feel even more depressed. Praise is much more effective than criticism. You can reassure them that it is possible to do something to improve their situation, but you need to do so in a caring and sympathetic way.

People who are depressed need someone who cares for them. You can show that you care by listening, sympathetically, by being affectionate, by appreciating the person, or simply by spending time with them. You can help by encouraging them to talk about how they are feeling and getting them to work out what they can do, or what they need to change, in order to deal with their depression.

If the person you are supporting is severely depressed, you may be faced with some hard decisions about how much to do on their behalf. If, for example, they are not looking after their physical needs, should you take over and do the shopping, cooking and cleaning for them, if you are able to? Or should you try and encourage them to do it? There are no easy answers to this situation. It will help if you can find someone with whom you can discuss these and other issues.

Supporting a friend or relative who is depressed can be an opportunity to build a closer and more satisfying relationship. However, it can also be hard work and frustrating, at times. Unless you pay attention to your own needs, it can make you feel depressed, too. Try and share the responsibility with as many people as possible, and find people to whom you can express your frustrations. There may be a local support group of others in your situation. You could also talk to your GP or another healthcare professional about getting help for yourself and your family.

 

Direct them to my blog and the moose will show them the light!

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Back to “down days” vs Depressed

Here are some things that make me feel down

  • checking my bank account
  • arsenal losing a match
  • looking in my empty fridge/freezer
  • Mila Kunis not returning my phone calls – please note that I have resisted the urge to post a gratuitous photo here (that also makes me feel down!)
  • not being able to treat Sheryl and the kids to nice things

Silly things really especially compared to what makes me depressed

Here are a few examples of what makes me depressed

  • being unemployed
  • constant money worries
  • stress
  • physical pain
  • the death of my uncle

Can you spot the differences between the two lists? If you’re reading this and your partner has depression I hope this gives you a better understanding of what makes someone down and what makes them depressed!

Here are some other things NOT to say to someone with depression

  1. Snap out of it! – only thing likely to snap will be your neck
  2. There is nothing wrong with you! – wanna bet? (punch!)
  3. yeah I have been depressed too – especially if A) you have not been depressed and B) in a condescending tone!
  4. stop feeling sorry for yourself!
  5. what do you have to be depressed about?

And here is the biggie, the one most guaranteed to piss me off

  • There’s always someone worse off than you are.

 

 

Instead why not talk to them about depression and what you can do to help them? Sometimes we are just waiting for someone to ask us how we are doing! we want to talk about it but we don’t want to bring it up if we think you’re really not that interested!

Do not moan at someone with depression it will not help them feel better about themselves. So what if I sleep a lot, if my body didn’t cry out for the sleep and shut itself down then I wouldn’t be doing it!

Try the “I am here for you” approach you may be surprised at the results!

Hope this help you be a better supportive person for your friend, partner whoever need you!

Garry

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Related Posts

Depression And Me

Depression 2

Good Support Networks

For the complete list of posts please visit Moose Tracks

Why Wont They Leave Me Be?

Most of you don’t know the REAL me, you are learning snippets to form the picture but let me say I am usually a confident person. Not always a true reflection of how I am feeling but I am very good at painting the picture of confidence to hide the insecurities I feel on the inside.

On Monday I have to attend a “back to work session” appointment that has been made for me. As far as I am aware failure to attend will result in a loss of my benefits, BUT I started these sessions when I was on Job Seekers Allowance and now I am on the new Employment and Support Allowance or what is more commonly known as “on the sick”.

The problem here is that I will now be grilled about why I am not looking for work, how ill I really am and made to feel like a failure and a fraud all in the name of “helping me”.

To put across a balanced view this may not actually be the case however you try telling my head that because it is all I can think about and it is causing me a lot of stress!

I know I have signed up for a training course with Mind but that is different because I chose to sign up for it as opposed to being forced into it!

So here is the really “shitty” part of the problem, excuse the language but all will become clearly in a minute.

When I get stressed out over things like this my bowels go mental! I can’t leave the flat for too long as I constantly need to go to the toilet, and not for a number 1. I am averaging around 15 toilet visits a day at the moment and the only thing that has changed in the past few weeks is this appointment and it’s impending arrival!

This is a big part of my reluctance to leave the flat and go to far because I have soiled myself whilst out on more than a few times in the past year or so! Too much information I hear you all screaming but it is a major source of embarrassment for me as well as a massive worry!

Had the tests from the Dr and he can find nothing medically wrong so I know it is stress causing this problem. So now you understand why I don’t like going out or why just going to the shops is a big deal for me!

Yet I have to get on 2 buses there and 2 buses back with money I don’t have and travel for an hour each way whilst trying desperately to control my bowels. One stray cough and it will be the day from hell!

Hopefully Monday won’t be the daunting experience I expect it to be but in the meantime I still have 2 more days of stress, panic and toilet seats! The plus side is that Andrex are making a killing at the moment!

 

Looking for an Outlet Suggestions Please

Today started off as a difficult day – I am not working and currently on “the sick” because of my depression and this morning I was woken up by a call from the people who work on behalf on the Job Centre about an appointment to help my job search!.

Firstly I am not searching for a job I am, according to my Dr, “medically unable to work” so why are they ringing me chasing me about looking for work when I am not supposed to be putting myself in stressful situations? There really is nothing more stressful to me than constantly being rejected by employers applying for jobs I can do in my sleep that would make me financially worse off than I am now being on sickness benefits!

The whole benefits system in the UK is so wrong because people like me are worse off in employment than we are being in a job! I worked it out before and would need to be earning in excess of £20k a year to make working worth my while from a financial point of view! Do you know how many jobs there are in my area that are available? especially to someone with depression! who also happens to have been out of work for 2 years (during those 2 years I applied for around 800 jobs!)

Anyways in 2 weeks I have to waste my day attending a work task session aiming at getting me back to work before I am ready. I wish them good luck!

I also made a big decision today and stopped playing mafia wars after 4 years and left my group behind. As much as I love the people in the group I think its time I moved onto something different as a distraction from reality, something that involves not sitting at the PC all day. My Facebook account has changed and now I have one dedicated to friends and family as opposed to game players 90% of who don’t communicate with me. I want to talk to people on a personal level again not have people not want to talk to me because they think I am unapproachable, I really am a nice person from time to time 🙂

Not sure I went about my departure the right way and have upset some people about the way I went about it but it was right for me I didn’t want people to try and talk me out of it and I hope those who are upset with me will forgive me and understand why I did what I did.

So now the question of an outlet, what to do with my newly found free time. Besides the cycling of course! I am starting to think a lot about photography I am so jealous of people who can take pictures that make me think WOW when I look at them. Do I need to invest in a really decent camera? What would I choose as a subject? so many questions and I really do not think I am creative enough for something like that, although maybe my writing should show me that I can be creative. Would love your feedback on this!

The weekend went slow for me and I had a bad day Saturday, I am putting it down to the day being the anniversary of my uncles death as today I feel better. I can feel the old Garry coming back out of the shadows again he just needs more coaxing!  

Garry