Those who have been reading for a while will know that a huge factor in my depression was caused by the death of my Uncle Ron who I cared for in the final 12-18 months of his life.
On Friday my Uncle Jim was taken into hospital with what was a suspected stroke, among other possible illnesses and I had to face up to issues and emotions that I had buried since Ron died. Not only was it the same hospital that Ron was taken to, but it was also my first visit back to the hospital since my attempted overdose in July.
I couldn’t see him for the first two days of his visit as I couldnt bring myself to attend the hospital and so I decided that going out on Saturday night and having a drink would be a good idea – up until the point when the alcohol brought everything back out and I spent the rest of Saturday night/ Sunday morning in a terrible frame of mind dealing with things I had tried to bury.
Sadly this also meant I had to let down someone very important to me on Sunday but I hope they understand why, spending time with them is something I am desperate for but I just could not face doing anything Sunday until I had dealt with the issues at hand, which was very hard and emotionally draining to the point where I was awake all night until around 6.30 am working my way through tears grief and guilt that I had not faced properly previously.
Finally I felt able to go and visit my uncle in the hospital and face up to the past and I am not ashamed to admit it was so much harder than what I expected, emotionally draining sums it up nicely.
The past few days have been really difficult but also helpful in finally letting go of certain things after a few years of keeping them buried away.
Today Jim was sent home from hospital and although he doesn’t have a clean bill of health, he is in his 80s and had a triple bypass many years ago, he is back home and for me that feels like closure as the last uncle that went into that hospital never made it out again.
I faced the past and made it over a few hurdles successfully – for my friend I let down I am sorry.
I am done with focusing on the past, reliving things and memories that now no longer hold the same special feelings.
From this day on the past is being locked away in a safe and buried in the sand, possibly alongside some heads that are buried there…
The present is the place that needs my urgent attention so that I can create a different future!
I have too much baggage from the past to carry with me anymore and my shoulders are weary of dragging it around.
Until today when I found the scissors that cut those ties and released me from the shackles!
No more regretting things that I have done, If I offended you, even unintentionally and you are holding that grudge then step aside and move into the past of my life. I don’t want to know anymore.
I don’t want to feel a sense of obligation to making things right, things happen for a reason and this is shaping my new path and new sense of direction and if that makes me unpopular then so be it.
I proved something to myself last night which has had a big impact on me today, all those negative thoughts and feelings that people have projected onto me, and I helpfully glued them on, have been lifted.
I have fucked up a lot over the years but as Bon Jovi once said ” I’ve made mistakes, I’m just a man”
No more will I allow them to hold me back!
People have expectations of me, especially as I have put myself so much out there with this blog, but I cannot live up to everyone’s expectations and more importantly I have come to realise that my own well being and expectations of myself were being neglected!
I don’t write as much these days because every day is like Groundhog day – the same things happening, the same thoughts and feelings and the same people making me feel like shit!
So what happens now in this all new improved present?
Last night I went out with Paul, an old friend from my school days who I have recently reconnected with, and I am bloody glad I have!
Then I saw a beautiful woman at the pub and spend the rest of the night talking to her. After years of feeling low in confidence and lacking self esteem the old Garry was back. Confident enough that I had something to offer someone in terms of conversation and company. Not having to focus on my issues but to sit back relax and enjoy the time spent with someone who wanted to talk to me, to get to know me and who had a real interest in what we were talking about.
Although now of course I have to sit back and wait for the phone call to come..patience is not something I do well.
But a few hurdles were easily overcome last night, I finally proved to myself that I am ready to move on from the past.
And the future, as well as the present is looking a hell of a lot more rosy than I could have imagined a while ago.
Waving goodbye to the past could be the hardest thing I have had to do, but maybe, just maybe its the best thing too!
Now I want to explore new avenues, new paths and create new memories