Wanting What We Cant Have

This is an area I seem to specialise in these days, wanting something or, more appropriately someone I can’t have. Problem is the more I am told I can’t have it the more I want it, the more I want it the less likely it is to happen but Moose does like a chase…..

I am in a good place in terms of my marriage tonight, i have finally been able to see things in a new light and accept them for what they are, and all it took was a few simple messages that were a month in the making. Now don’t get me wrong I am very hurt and upset by what has happened BUT more importantly I am not taking the blame anymore.

For the past 2 and 1/2 months I have blamed myself for everything that has happened, been far too sympathetic to her needs and not concentrated on how I actually feel about it all, or more appropriately allowed the grieving process to do its thing.  Lots of people have told me that is where I am going wrong, I am not grieving for the death of my marriage. To be honest I have done enough grieving the past few years to last me a life time! So that is where I am at currently and looking to move on….

Except I fucked that up as well……. But as I am trying to convince myself – Things happen for a reason…

So i have lost Mrs Moose, Miss Naughty and Miss Never Gonna Happen…. and all I wanted was a little bit of effort in return for the hard work I put in..

Miss Never Gonna Happen is a hard pill to swallow but I needed to do what I did for my own sanity, as well as to protect her from a rampaging moose, I doubt she will see it that way though and for that I am sorry.

To cheer myself up and get out of this mini dip I went and got some pain of the nice variety and rewarded my recent good run of form with a new tattoo on my left arm.

Finally I have the “Abide With Me” tattoo I have wanted for many years, the last line to be exact “in life, in death, O Lord, Abide with me”.

Ink by Duane "illumin-eye" Robinson

Ink by Duane “illumin-eye” Robinson

The hymn is played at family funerals and is scheduled to be played at mine – not for many years yet though I hasten to add!

Duane, the tattooist is based in Mile End, 5 minutes away from the underground station and not only is he a great artist but also a top man as well! If you’re in the London area go and see him!! His Facebook page can be found here tell him Moose sent you!

So besides screwing up a good friendship because I wanted more,  finally realising my wife is never coming home and turning into a nervous shitting wreck because of seetec today a few hours of pain has turned a bad day into a good day!