Ok so I really tried to stay away but in the words of Michael Corleone “everytime I think I am out they pull me back in”.
So an update for you as to what has been going on since last we saw each other.
Marriage wise it is all over, and my heart is broken. I don’t blame her for walking away from me as my depression obviously took a huge toll on her. The poor thing must be completely worn out physically, emotionally and mentally and whilst I wish things were different and that I could wave a magic wand and make things better I know life doesn’t work that way. I will always leave the door open in the hope that we can talk one day but at the moment it’s not an option and I have to accept that. It is not what I wanted and I worded things wrongly in the heat of the moment, wasn’t the first time and probably wont be the last time I fuck up when my intentions are good.
So bad news out the way back to the depression….
For the past 4 weeks at least I have had no depressive thoughts or fears. My phq9 score has sat on zero for the whole time. I have been going to the gym 5x a week and have lost 20 lbs since February and currently weigh the lowest I have in years!
I have seen my GP about coming off my medication too. He was amazed at the change in my persona when I walked into his office let alone the weight change, and this was before I told him what had been going on in my private life! He nearly fell off the chair at how well I was doing and we are now in the process of gradually decreasing my medication in preparation for coming off completely.
It works like this
2 days normal dosage, 1 day half dosage the gradually increase the number of days I have the half dosage. 1 day a week, then 2 days a week, then 3 and so on. It will take a few months to come off the medication and I expect that some days/weeks will be worse than others but now is the time for me as I haven’t felt this good for years!
One thing you all know about me is that I am a fighter and the depression has been knocked from pillar to post the past few weeks and we are now entering the last few rounds and the strongest will survive, that will be me! I’m not going for a quick knockout I want this to be a battle to the last bell when depression will have so much knocked out of it that it wont want to face me again in a rematch!
To paraphrase Charlie Sheen
I have moose blood in me and I am winning!